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S.B. PARKING AND THE END OF THE WORLD!

 

August 16, 2008 5:22 AM

Letter to downtown parking:

Dear Rebecca Jimenez (Supervisor) and Victor Garza (Superintendent):

It is unfortunate that you have not found time to respond to The Investigator's e-mail. The salaries and benefits of public servants, such as yourselves, are paid by our taxes; this means -- in case you have forgotten -- that you and Downtown Parking are accountable to the public.

To reiterate our reason for writing: On a recent Saturday evening we had the misfortune to be parked in your lot on Victoria Street. After the Arlington Theatre let out, a rush to exit ensued, and it took a long 20 minutes to escape. Upon reaching the pay booth we discovered
why: Your attendant was fixated on TV, to the detriment of two-dozen drivers struggling to free themselves. She could barely pull herself away from a reality program to take our money, after which she re- affixed herself to her own escape that night.

Three evenings later, The Investigator got re-stuck in a queue to get into your lot adjacent to the train station. No one was moving, so we disembarked to investigate. The attendant shrugged, smiled and explained that the ticket dispenser had jammed.

"Well, since it's your problem, why don't you open the gate and let everyone in gratis?," we asked.

Apparently, Downtown Parking could not allow itself such a loss -- maybe fifteen bucks. So, instead, a dozen drivers (plus passengers) were stuck and inconvenienced. The attendant provided a calling card for a superior, one Arianna Castellanos, whom we immediately telephoned. Informed of our predicament, Ms. Castellanos complained that she had only two technicians on duty and that one would eventually reach us; she grumbled that Downtown Parking is understaffed.

The Investigator utilized this opportunity to inform Ms. Castellanos about Saturday's experience.

"Are your attendants supposed to watch TV when they have a backlog of drivers wishing to exit?" we asked.

Ms. Castellanos explained that attendants are permitted to watch TV.
But, she added, their attention should be focused on departing customers, especially during a backlog. Agreed. So what kind of training are attendants given to understand the difference?

Replied Ms. Castellanos, "I don't report to you."

"Perhaps, but The Investigator reports to many tax-paying readers" (so an answer would be helpful).

Ms. Castellanos provided your name, Rebecca. We wrote you, and copied Victor with a cover note. We asked a few simple questions:

• 1. How many technicians do you have on duty at any given time?

• 2. How often do ticket dispensers break down and require service, thereby interrupting the parking process?

• 3. What is the average time it takes for a technician to reach a lot to solve a problem?

• 4. What are the training procedures for attendants, especially with regard to TV privileges?

Sixteen days later, we continue to await your response.

It's kind of like waiting in one of your lots while the attendant watches TV.

So tack on Question No. 5: Must we forever wait in suspense?

P.S. Downtown Parking problems are not so disastrous in the general scheme of things, but this is the silly season in the news reporting business -- and your lack of common courtesy, not responding, qualifies as very silly indeed.

• Is the end nigh?:

Prepare thyself. At 11 minutes past 3 o'clock in the morning, Pacific Standard Time, on Friday the 21st of December 2012, the world is supposed to end.

This is what the Mayans, an ancient civilization renowned for their knowledge of astronomy, have forecast, if only by omission. The Mayans looked to the stars to father the modern calendar -- and somehow concluded the calendar does not extend beyond 2012.

The Mayans may have witnessed a comet that has since gotten lost; a comet they calculated would strike Earth and render the charting of further days an exercise in futility. Others suggest that a known comet -- Nibiri -- will smash into Earth on that day.

According to NASA, on December 21st, 2012 our planet will align not only with the sun and moon but also with the center of our Milky Way galaxy, resulting in sunspots and sun flares more powerful than usual
-- suggesting to some that humankind shall be broiled alive.

Or maybe it has something to do with disappearing honeybees?

Albert Einstein was believed to have said, "If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, man would have only four years of life left."

And now they're disappearing.

This is a phenomenon known as Colony Collapse Disorder, and it occurs when bees do not find their way back to their hives after a day's pollination. (These are the bees you see on the sand at our beaches, walking around aimlessly, disoriented.) Lost and exhausted, they die.
It has been speculated that radiation from cell phones interferes with the bees' ability to navigate. A German study at Landau University concluded that bees would not return to hives when cell phones were placed next to them. Apiarists tell us that the bee population of the United States is down by an astounding 65 percent.
Here's the buzz: Without bees to pollinate crops, a four-year doomsday countdown is set into motion.

Everyone needs a plan.

Here's ours -- and it has nothing to do with basement shelters, bottled water and canned beans.

Right after Thanksgiving, 2012, a first-class flight to Paris and a suite at Hotel Meurice; thereafter, foie gras to start, soufflé for dessert, Pomerol and Margaux red wine in between -- and pink Cristal champagne and Beluga caviar throughout the day.

It's win-win. If the world ends on the December 21st (11 minutes past noon Paris time, atop the Eiffel Tower, Restaurant Jules Verne), American Express eats the tab. If the world does not end, well, serious debt for sure, and maybe a porky new look with clogged arteries and a drinking problem -- but still alive!