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Letter From London

September 20, 2008 12:00 AM

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, is unusually honest for a politician. He announced in essence that the British economy is spiraling down the toilet, and there's nothing his Labor government can do about it.

If that isn't bad enough for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, his chirpy young Foreign Secretary, David Milibrand, is encroaching upon his rule, along with leadership rival and Health Secretary Alec Johnson.

Nigel Nelson, a British newspaper political editor and Parliamentary "lobby" correspondent for 22 years, put it into perspective for The
Investigator: "This government is absolutely f------," he said over braised pigeon in Porcullis House, a spanking new office building for Members of Parliament, with an open-plan atrial lobby and food court.
"They've managed to get everything wrong, and there's a feeling among Labor backbenchers that it's over, with no way back."

It doesn't help that the prime minister "is not easy to be around,"
added Mr. Nelson. "He is socially awkward, uncomfortable in his own skin." And indeed, Mr. Brown's jowly six o'clock shadow, as seen on TV news, is tragically reminiscent of a desperate Richard Nixon.

Government authorities are announcing that the coming recession (it has actually begun) will result in a crime surge, with theft and burglaries to rise by 7 percent and violent crime by 19 percent. "It will create an environment," appended Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, not to be outdone, "that can lead people to terrorism."

The Conservative Party is watching this pageant in merry wonderment, realizing all they need do until election (most likely May 2010) is be quiet. Meanwhile, the Tories' Grand Dame, Margaret Thatcher, cannot identify the occupant of her old home, 10 Downing Street, much less what day it is -- a price she's paying for three hours' sleep per night during 11 years as premier. Alas, she and political soul mate Ronald Reagan had more in common than they ever knew.

"The Conservatives," said Mr. Nelson, "will win by a 60-plus seat majority." Worth remembering when Ladbrokes (legal bookies) begins accepting bets -- Mr. Nelson always wins. And since betting falls into four-seat allotments, the payout is plentiful.

Former PM Tony Blair shuttles to Mideast capitals hoping to emulate Al Gore by winning a Nobel Prize and wistfully believing his success calming Northern Ireland can be replicated in Arabia, where even shuttle diplomat extraordinaire Henry Kissinger concluded the only peace process that works in the Middle East is Keep Them Talking Forever.

Mr. Blair's time might be more prudently focused on east London, where Nigerian street gangs run rampant bringing hitherto unknown gun violence to city streets, not least because the Olympians are coming in 2012, and the world can be awfully judgmental about host countries.

Few Brits even reside in central London any more. They simply cannot afford it.

Posh Knightsbridge and Belgravia have become "Little Russia," huddled around Lowndes Square and oligarch billionaire Roman Abramovich, who has combined a number of $15 million apartments into a veritable mansion. Here, bold oil-rich Russians square off to brash oil-rich Arabs, who had years earlier appropriated Lowndes Square from English aristocratic dandies as their own American Graffiti-like drag, its adolescent offspring navigating the large rectangular "square" during balmy summer evenings in a convoy of convertible Bentleys and Ferraris, waving to women attired in burkas seated outside the Jumeirah-Lowndes Hotel's Mimosa Bar while Muslim flags from Pakistan's embassy flutter in the breeze.

The Brits have banished themselves beyond the burbs, struggling to get into work each morning on hour-long train rides, followed by 20 minute subway rides, tormented by frequent delays caused by crumbling infrastructure.

Restaurants are staffed with young Polish, Romanian and Bulgarian women who now roam freely among European Union countries, though most have been dispatched to London by their parents for: a) learning English and, b) finding a husband. Without Polish, Romanian and Bulgarian dictionaries, ordering food and drink can sometimes pose a challenge.

But recession is nothing compared to what will happen to Britain when North Sea oil runs out.

The retired chairman of an American oil company that decades ago was first to drill fossil fuel in the North Sea, thus bringing prosperity to the UK during Maggie Thatcher's tenure, told the Investigator, "Get out the candles. When the North Sea's drained -- very soon -- it's the dark ages for Britain."

A matter not helped by the government's ongoing frostiness with Russia, on whom all of Europe has become dependent for energy.
Something to do with the Russian state-sponsored Polonium 210 poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko on British soil. The Brits took umbrage -- about murder and radiation contamination -- and raised a fuss, unlike other European countries, which leverage into oil and gas deals those dirty little secrets they uncover about Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, including his multi-billion dollar retirement fund.

London is still the financial crossroads of the world. But that, too, can pass, especially in light of Gordon Brown's harsh new tax policies. Does Mr. Brown truly believe international financiers made London the center of their world because they like the weather?

The smart money is flocking 3,396 miles to the southeast -- to a hot desert oasis near the Tropic of Cancer called Dubai, in the United Arab Emirates. Dubai City is the global financial community's new World Headquarters, and has become a magnet for money from London to Monaco to Hong Kong. Under the Islamic leadership of "Sheikh Mo,"
this so-called City of Gold links West to East in a splendor that allows for employment of full-time sunglass wipers to service swimming pool guests at extravagant "seven star" hotels.

Even the Bacara and the Biltmore don't have that.

The bright side for the Brits is this: If everyone else splits, they can at least reclaim London. Not a bad fallback position. Because even with it's incessant rain, no other city quite compares.